Someone asked me once why do you compare yourself to others. I have touched on this before but the more I think about it, I think it is normal to compare ourselves to others. Anyone who says they don’t are lying to themselves. By compare, I mean we sometimes imitate certain phrases, actions, style ideas, not because we want to be that person but because we liked it and wanted to incorporate that into ourselves.
If people stayed one way forever then there would be no evolution and everything would be predictable and boring.
Saying that, I do probably compare myself to those I consider smarter than me and my definition of smart is not academic, it’s deeper than that. I would not say that I get jealous but yes, I love to listen and learn from these people.
My problem is that I give myself wholly to those I look up to and by wholly, I mean I share all my thoughts, act in my uncensored crazy way and I’m just honest.
I have never knowingly done anything to cause anyone harm, be it an ex, a friend who ended up being not a friend or a hateful relative, be them as they may, I move on. I get angry, I get upset but I always aim those emotions at myself as I do tend to always blame myself, even when it’s not actually my fault.
The reason I am like that is because of the way I behave with others. If I knew that I had bad or selfish motives or if I knew that I had acted maliciously, then when shit hit the fan, in my gut I would have known that ‘hey bitch, you got caught out’ or ‘karma found you’. This is however not the case.
Therefore, I sit here wondering what the hell I did wrong, I think to myself well if by being myself and actually caring I was not not good enough for people I think are intelligent and open minded then I ultimately believe myself to be stupid and useless. That's not a nice or easy feeling to contend with.
I then start re assessing who I am as a human and that’s not a nice road to go down. Its dark and dreary and if not careful, it’s a dead-end road.
During my travels, I am trying to understand and more importantly believe that it’s not always my fault though. I am the way I am but it does not mean that there is anything wrong with me. I wish unto those as I would wish for myself, I do not play with anyone’s emotions, I don’t guilt trip anyone.
The only thing I have started doing now to some extent is I treat people the way they treat me and by that, I mean, I ignore those who ignore me, I speak to people when they address me and when they are rude I am not rude back but I try to put a stop to it.
I have to stand up for myself because everyone has their own demons, of course I get that but I can’t let anyone suffocate me with theirs when my own are trying to kill me with every breath I take, every word I try to say and every time I try to smile.
It is said that you only need one real friend, one real person who cares and who believes in you and if you cannot find that person then become that person for yourself. Now don’t get me wrong, some people are purely hateful jealous cunts so that could be why we can’t seem to find that one person but then times will change once the person changes and for that it can never be too late.
If you give with the intention to receive or give because there is a selfish motive afoot then things will backfire. Give because you want to but do not make the mistake I did, do not give so much and bear your heart out in the open because that thing will get hurt. You cannot stand in a battlefield without a shield and wonder why the swords are piercing through you. You have a duty to be sensible also and we can’t blame others all the time for we are not perfect.
This is why I always apologise when there is any doubt that I may have been in the wrong but then that too is a two-way road and there are limits to be adhered to.
It’s very hard trying to find the balance and getting it right, it’s a trial and error game and some people fail whilst trying, some give up but some do win in the end.
I am not ranting but I am sharing this because this is how I feel and I am quite sure that this is how many others feel also but they just do not voice it because humans do not share their true thoughts because that would be the wrong thing to do.
I do not know where to go from here, I am trying to find my way before the grim reaper catches me.
They say talk to someone but talk to who. Someone once rhetorically told me ‘do you even have friends’ I think I can answer that now.
The bottom line is if you are hurting or if you know of anyone who is hurting and if you care, give them a shoulder, even the strongest and most independent of humans sometimes need that shoulder.
If you cannot or do not want to provide that shoulder then that is absolutely OK but at least do not judge them or make it harder because for someone battling through depression, anxiety or simple sadness, it’s hard enough for them to reach out, especially if they have been burnt before so please be careful.
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