A pain I knew.

I was at my weakest point, at my most vulnerable, at my most sensitive. I was afraid.

I was petrified. I’ve never known fear to that level.

I needed help.

I needed support, love and reassurance. I needed someone to hold me, to understand, to show they cared.

I needed someone to maybe help me see that I was worth loving.

I searched for this beyond my household because yes, I know that my household is there for me but how can I share my pain with people who are themselves struggling and trying their best to stay strong just for me.

I felt like I had to be stronger. I didn’t want to be the reason for anyone to feel bad. I didn’t want to be the reason for their pain and their sleepless nights.

I muffle my face so hard in my pillow just so no one can hear or see my tears because I know it would trouble them to see me break in such a way.

I couldn’t share the panic attacks, I was scared for anyone to see so I’d lock myself in the bathroom or bedroom, huddled in a corner, shaking, palpitating, praying for it to pass. My eyes pressed closed, jaw rigid, fists clenched.

I learnt how to pretend! How to act like everything was ok. That I was ok.

I learnt how to put on a strong face and even smile, have a conversation even though getting each word out of my mouth is like climbing a mountain. Sometimes I even laugh too.

Truth is with each effort I feel like I’m dying a thousand times over and over again but I can show that I’m good so no one sees.

It’s my own fault, that much I understand because they all say you should not count on anyone other than yourself.

It’s my own fault because I thought people would care when I needed them to.

I know where I went wrong, I’m not denying I was naive but now the battle is to let go.

I can’t be angry at anyone just because they didn’t care, just because they didn’t ask me how I was or because they didn’t even have the time to say a simple hello.

That’s their choice and I can’t do anything about that.

All I can do is choose how I react to that.

They say if someone can’t be with you at your weakest, they don’t deserve you at your strongest but I’m not so special that people need to deserve me and I see that!

I’m full of flaws myself so I understand but it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt to be ignored.

It doesn’t mean I didn’t feel like maybe I don’t deserve a family. The thing I’ve craved for the most for most of my life.

It doesn’t mean it didn’t stab my soul.

I really started to wonder how bad a person I must be for people to not even show an ounce of compassion.

Every word, action, decision we take has consequences.

I was made to feel many things and people showed me my place in their lives and thoughts.

They say blood is thicker than water and I could not help but feel that my ‘diluted’ blood was not good enough. Something that won’t ever go away.

I am grateful for those who overwhelmed me with their love but it doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt all the same.

I’m not the only person who had experienced this, grief is something unfortunately we all go through but if it’s something we all know about and know how it makes us feel yet still can’t show some TLC then what are we doing here?